I tend to feel most emotions on an extreme level. And even though I have consciously tried to tone the feelings down, I can’t seem to.
Loss, I have felt, as a void only after a certain period of time has passed. Initially, however, the feeling has been the exact opposite. It is that of a rising swell, like a huge wave of water, which rises from deep within and fills me to the brim. The feeling is akin to being in a closed space and water levels rising to fill it, eventually going down under it. Here that closed coffin-like space is my body. The wave is heavy and strong in its pressure against my skin, and it is all I can do to hold it in. If I try to let it out, it is just a dry, hollow sob.
As time rolls on, this feeling is replaced by one of needle-like pain, in pin-points. It is, as if, someone is inside me, jabbing outwards… and with every sting, remembrance of the lost, hurt in hot white flashes. Every minute is filled with a buzz of torture, of yearning and pain, of indignation and wrath, all directed within.
After a while yet, void. A void that will never fill, no matter how good the replacement is…